Who I am

I very simply don’t know who I am anymore, maybe I never really did.

I think the closest I every came to knowing who I was happened almost three years ago. My life has been in shambles for a long time. Almost three years ago, I started to actually like who I was or who I was becoming. I wanted a divorce from my spouse that I had been with since I was 16 years old. I wanted to start my life over. I wanted to discover things, experience things for the first time on my own. On my own…that is an incredibly scary thought. I’ve never been on my own. I’ve always been with someone. I’ve never lived alone. I’ve never been comfortable alone. Somehow, I think that is the only way I will ever find out who I am.

Are we ever who we think we are? I can’t help but wonder because I seem to be a different person depending on who I am with. Is that normal? Is that how everyone operates? Or is it just how a person who is completely lost is?

I used to be a career person. I loved working, I loved being around other people. I was a manager, and actually a pretty good one. I was not conventional, I focused more on the people of the business and then the business itself second. This way of focusing gave me great employees that respected and appreciated me. I thrived off of the way my employees excelled.

Now, I have severe anxiety that keeps me from working. I have been on medications like sertraline, welbutrin, and lorazepam. In fact, I am unable to function without these types of medications. The thought of being surrounded by people scares me to death. My first full blown panic attack happened at work. I was terrified, I couldn’t breathe, my chest hurt. What happened to me? How did I lose who I was?

I settled for who I became. I canceled the divorce. I’m staying in a marriage that I’m not entirely sure is a good one. I love my spouse but I don’t think I am in love. I long for the days that I knew who I was and what I wanted. I don’t know if I will ever get there or find that person. I am terrified that this is all I will ever be and writing this is the only way I think I will ever become close to finding who that is. Feel free to write to me if you feel the same, but know, in the end, I wrote this for me.

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